Train of Thought
by Kris Ice
Summary: My first Yugioh fic, rated PG just in case. A short, introspective Pegasus piece.


Title: Train of Thought   
Author: Kris Ice   
E-mail: wknightmare@yahoo.com   
Rating: PG   
Pairing: None   
Notes: short introspective piece, unbetaread 

Sometimes as I lay here in the dark, I wish I had never woken up.  My remaining eye stares at the ceiling, watching the patterns cast by the moonlight through the trees. My bed is too empty, too cold. I close my eye and turn to face the wall, wishing I had the strength to end it, but I'm too afraid. What will come after the end, oblivion or the depths of hell? If I had a choice, I think I would pick oblivion. I don't know what would be waiting, but I know I would never be where you are. And that thought has made to too afraid to end this charade.

In the darkness of my slumber I had felt nothing, no pain, no suffering, no sensations. It was almost like I ceased to exist. But now, now I am all too aware of the heartache that still claws at my heart. It is now joined by a pair of companions, so similar that they must be twins. Guilt and shame have latched onto what's left of my heart, determined to destroy whatever shards are left of me. I wish I could say that I wasn't the one who had done the horrible things I have done. But I would be lying, and I have always tried not to lie.

I didn't lie then, I was honest about what I intended to do. I didn't lie to any of them; I simply didn't tell them the whole story. What good would it have done me? They would have refused to aid me, may even have thought me quite mad. I might have been; I still might be.

I sigh, burying my face in my pillow. It doesn't matter much now. I lost everything. I was so confident in my abilities, so confident that I would win. I wanted it to be a fair fight. I gave him the chance to discover himself, to master the gifts found in the Millennium Items. I sought to teach the young man how to defend himself. He ended up teaching me a lesson. 

I kept my word; I set them free. That is the only bright spot in the entire mess. If Kaiba had not been so stubborn I would never have had to resort to underhanded methods to get what I needed. He hated me so much for daring to touch his brother. But he can't say I hurt him. True, I kept him locked away, I took his soul, but I never really harmed him. I meant to return his soul to him as soon as that terrible business was over. I gave Kaiba a chance to defeat me, but I knew he couldn't. I was only going through the motions. I wanted him out of the way, so I could take what I needed from his company. I wanted to display my power to young Yugi. I thought perhaps if I did he… No, I knew he wouldn't give up, but I did want to show him what to expect, make the game a little fairer.

I shift, trying to get comfortable. That's one of the things I hate about hospital beds, it always seems like one can't sleep in them.Of course, my restlessness may simply be because I've been 'asleep' for a long time.

I wish I could blame it all on the darkness of the Eye, but I can't do that. I have to acknowledge my hand in it. I was willing to do anything to bring her back, even release the terror of the Shadow Games.

My love, the one I have missed so much. Fate took you from me, and I tried to cheat Fate to bring you back. But all I've done is harm some innocent children, and some not so innocent.

My thoughts turn to the white haired boy, Bakura, or rather the dark spirit inhabiting him. He didn't play fair, barely staying within the boundaries of the game when he attacked me when I was too tired to fight back. I want to hate him for what he has done. He has stolen my one hope for seeing her again, but in a way, I owe him a great favor. I can think unclouded again and I know that I was an idiot. I may have succeeded in reviving her, but she would never forgive me for committing such grievous sins in her name. Would I have forced her to stay, forced her into a life of servitude if she did not forgive me? I shudder to think so, I might… No, I would have. I would have treated her as a pretty bauble, something to be jealously guarded regardless of her wants and needs. She would have grown to hate me.

I sift restlessly to my other side, still keeping my eye shut. I wince as I start to put pressure on the injured side of my face and roll back over. With all the painkillers floating around in my system, I had almost forgotten. It seems an odd thing to forget, that I no longer have an eye on that side. It was almost unnoticeable to me when I had the Millennium Eye. Now, now I would have to adapt to this, just like I had to adapt to the knawing in my chest. There was no way to make up for what I did, they would never forgive me. Then again, little Yugi might, but Kaiba definitely wouldn't. I had dared to threaten that which is precious to him and he is not a man that would forgive such trespass.

Croquet is still here, although I'm not really sure why he has stayed, but he has, through everything. He was there for me when she died, a quiet, solid friend. He never criticized what I was doing, always following my orders without asking. He is my Head of Security, my bodyguard, and in some ways, my best friend. Hmm… I should say that he is my only friend now, I've closed off all the others, not that I was close to them anyway. I really need to apologize to him, for putting him through so much. He will, of course, say he was merely doing his job, but he has gone far beyond that. I am upset at him, though I guess he acted as he thought best at the time, lending some of his men to help Kaiba's board of directors. I suppose I can't blame him, I did make a deal with those idiots. I'm not sure what possessed me… or rather, I do know, but didn't I just think earlier that I can't blame everything on the Eye?

I don't know if he actually saw Kemo, the most distinctive of the bunch, so I don't know if he blames me for that mess as well. I wouldn't blame him if he did I squirm a bit, trying to ease a pain in my right hip. They all have good reason to hate me, but I can't help but hope that there is something I can do to redeem myself. Yugi would forgive; he might even blame everything on the Eye. But Kaiba is unreachable now, there is no way the young man would believe, nor would he forgive.

I finally turn on my back again, opening my eye to stare at the ceiling. Perhaps it would be best if I just stayed out of their way and kept to myself, living the rest of my life in silence. I had always been good at staying to myself, but most of the time she was there to keep me from feeling alone.

I grimace, shifting my weight. Everything comes back to her and the emptiness inside me. I let my face fall to the side, staring at the wall again. It's painted a soft, pale blue, but in the moonlight it looks white,stark, plain, and empty. It reminds me of how I feel. But maybe, like the wall, it's just because I'm looking at it from the darkness. I shake my head. There will be no morning for me, no light switch I can flip. I have lost my light.

I close my eye, trying to force myself into sleep. Perhaps, there I'll finally find some peace for a few hours. But my mind refuses to quiet down. I can't hide from the memories of what I have done. I tormented them, and got what I deserved, but is the dark spirit now tormenting them further? Has he forced the boy to wear the Eye? There is nothing I can do about that, or anything else at this moment. Resigning myself to another sleepless night, I start to plan. My mind had been too clouded with drugs for me to really start thinking about the future, but they had lessened my dosage today. Maybe now would be a good time to start thinking about it.

First, I'm going to ask Croquet for the reports from my company; I've been neglecting it for too long. Then, I'm going to start overhauling it, maybe see what young Devlin has done with his game. After that… After that, I don't know what I'll do, but I will face it when it comes. A faint smile touches my lips; for once my inner turmoil seems to have subsided. Perhaps that's all I really needed, some sort of plan of action so I didn't feel so lost.

Lost. I've felt like a small row boat set in the middle of a vast, foggy, ocean under a cloudy sky for some time now. When I gained the Eye it became my compass, guiding me toward my destination. I had been so close to finding land, but I was tossed back out to sea. Now I'm not really sure I would have liked the place that the Eye had been guiding me too. I may be lost again on that ocean, but now that I've picked a direction to row in, things should be a bit easier. I just need to keep an eye on the sky and hope the clouds would soon break, giving me a glimpse of the stars that may guide me. I sigh, rolling back on my side, feeling my thoughts get heavy, my thoughts drifting. I smile again, softly, faintly, as sleep finally claims me.


End file.
